Fuck United Airlines

They are quite possibly the worst airline in the whole galaxy. Their new system of checking in at the airport has wasted minutes of my life that I can never get back. It's the first time that I will acknowledge that machines cannot replace people when it comes to air travel. Here's how they time-raped me:

Thursday nite:
I sign up online to receive calls from United confirming my flights.

Friday morning- flight @ 8:20 am from Boston to San Fran:
-Get a call from United at 6 am. My flight has been cancelled says the automated machine. Would I like to speak to a reservation specialist? Fuck yes, I would.
-6:15 am, talk with a reservation woman. She tells me the next flight to San Fran from Boston through United is at 4 pm. She re-routes me on another flight leaving Boston at 9:30 am through American Airlines. But I need to check in with United first, get my tickets, then proceed to American for my flight. The airline recommends getting to the airport 90 minutes before my flight. Cool, my trip is saved.
- On way to airport, I call the car service that's picking me up in San Fran. Tell them my new flight number and arrival time.
- Get to the airport at 8 am. Stand in line for "easy" check-in. Get to the front. My confirmation # doesn't work. BIG SURPRISE. United lady puts me in another line named "additional services." Nothing about that line was "easy."
-While in line, I get a call from the car service. The flight I gave him doesn't exist. Awesome.
- In line at "additional services"- some dude passes out and the paramedics come. Only problem? Dude is fuckin' blocking one of the counters with flight agent. My line doesn't move for 20 minutes until this dude can get up. Turns out he was hungover. Thanks for being a waste of space asshole. Riddle me this- how come Fergie can't board a plane cuz she's visibly drunk, but random-passed-out-hungover dude is allowed to check in to his flight after he's wasted our tax dollars on paramedics and helped half of us miss our flight??? Not even an apology from him to the people in line, for being such an ugly douchebag. I hate him and wish something worse had happened to him, just to justify his suckage of my time.
- Get to counter at 8:45 am- note: 45 minutes before my flight. Dumb travel agent is training a new girl and speaks as if other girl doesn't know english. Wastes 10 minutes explaining things to her. Lo and behold, the flight exists, but the dumb broad I spoke to on the phone, didn't follow protocol to get my ticket. I have no confirmation. Flight is booked.
- I go ripshit on idiot counter lady. Dropped the passenger bill of rights on her ass and demanded she get me on a flight since she's now made me miss any chance of going standby on this flight. She tells me there's nothing she can do and offers to get the supervisor. Damn right, bitch.
-Supervisor comes over, I explain that I got robbed by United. She tells counter girl to look away cuz she's about to do something illegal. Next thing I know, I'm booked on the 11 am flight through United to San Fran (WHAAA- THERE WAS AN 11 AM FLIGHT THE WHOLE TIME? Dumb bitch on the phone lied to me!!) with an aisle emergency row seat, and all for the price of going through extra security screening. Hell yes. Supervisors are supervisors for a reason. They work hard for their money.

Ok, so maybe that wasn't so bad. But check this:

Sunday morning- 1 pm flight from San Fran to Boston- direct flight

-Car service coming to get me at 11. Yeehaw.
-9:30 am, I call airline. Guess what?!!? My mutha fuckin flight is cancelled AGAIN!!
- Get on phone with reservation person again. She puts me on new flight at 1:55 pm through Chicago. 47 minute layover, then have flight to Boston.
- Call car service- they say they'll pick me up at noon.
_ Guess what?! Never got the fucking flight status call from United I signed up for. What a waste.
-Get to airport at 12:15 pm. Stand in line for "easy" check-in. Get to check-in and once again, my shit don't work!! United line lady tells me I need to speak to a counter person.
- I go to counter person, he orders me to stand in "additional services" line and tells me to wait my turn. FUCKING ASSHOLE, LET THE GAMES BEGIN. AGAIN.
-I get in line, again. While i'm waiting in line, everyone is on the phone with the airline. I call them too. After the third time yelling "Help" at their automated system, I finally get a live person. I yell at that person for having such a shitty system, she does nothing. Apologizes. About fucking time. First and only apology I ever got from United.
-People in line are all too nice. Notice people coming from other lines and cutting our line. No one says anything, we all just fester in anger.
-1 pm: I get to front of the line. I see a Russian bitch try and cut to speak to an agent. I yell across the room "I don't think so, lady! Get in line like everyone else!" Of course the slut is on the phone and tries telling me in broken english that she needs to make her flight. "Join the club. Wait your turn like everyone else. I'm serious. Get. In line and wait your friggin turn." I take no prisoners.
-Russian lady gets smacked down by Nazi counter agent and she storms off, still on the phone with her husband-to-be who probably mail ordered her.
-I get to counter. Counter agent lady is mad at me. Probably for yelling at Russian girl. I don't care. She tells me she hates her job. I tell her I hate her job too. And her airline. She wants to quit. Rad. Fix my shit first, woman!
- She does, but can't give me a seat. At least she gives me a seat from Chicago to Boston. Thanks god.

1:25 pm- Get to counter to get my seat assignment. They had called my name and had a seat for me, praise Allah.
1:45 pm- Get on the flight only to realize there are about 300 people on the plane. I have the last seat in the last row. Of course. I tell a flight attendant that I have 47 minutes between my connecting flight and that it would be awesome if close to landing, I could possibly move up to the front-ish part of the plane. She shoots me down saying it's a full flight. Really? No shit bitch- I had to wade through 300 stanky people to get to my seat.
7:50 pm- 15 minutes before landing in Chicago another attendant assures me it will only take 3.5 minutes for everyone to de-board. I will not miss my flight. What is it with this airline and their redonkulous lies?!

8:15 pm- Get off plane (it DID NOT take 3.5 minutes for people to get off- you do the math). Run to get food and pee. Run to terminal for connecting flight. Ha. Flight is fucking delayed. For shame.

8:55 pm- Finally get on plane to Boston. ETA, 12:09 am.

12:15 am- De-board, get my luggage. Wait on longest taxi line ever. Can't wait to get home and curse United in the comfort of my own home.

As you can see, FLYING UNITED AIRLINES IS A WASTE OF YOUR MONEY AND TIME. Spend the extra $100 and go JetBlue. They never let you down. Sigh. I heart JetBlue.


**I'm sorry if I offended any people of Russian decent. Lesson of the story, if you're on the cell phone while dealing with a dilemma, anything that sets you apart from anyone else will be picked on. End of story.

**Also, I don't really wish anything bad on random-passed-out-hungover dude. There's something in the Old Testament that says something like, intentionally embarassing someone is comparable to murder. So I suppose his embarassment of being a retard was similar to wanting to die. Which in itself is a pretty shitty feeling. I guess he probably felt like a HUGE douchebag, and that's enough for me.